Talking to Yourself (or Myself)

In this episode I talk about depression, suicide, and talking — I know, sounds like hoot eh?

This is episode s11e12(420) for Monday, June 25, 2018 and clocked in at 15 minutes, 36 seconds

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Warning: This is the stream of consciousness text behind the podcast. It may contain incomplete sentences, incorrect grammar, and other mistakes. JSYK

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Welcome to what is becoming my monthly podcast instead of weekly. Life has been getting in the way — in a good way. Sure I’m still the same depressed, suicidal thought filled, violent pacifist that I’ve always been, but I’ve been spending time going outside, being with other people, and trying to get laid. That last part is particularly difficult since I dislike physical contact with people — also it seems many people dislike me for some reason. 

I’ve also notice that my life is a series of inner monologues. Except that sometimes they are aloud. But not too loud. Kinda like a whisper. Oh, and I gesture toward the people or concepts or electronics or ghosts or angels or angles that I may or may not be talking to. It could be I think my life is a reality show that no one is watching. Maybe I’m talking to my inner self. Maybe I’m talking to you — just that your not here. I thought this inner dialog (with no one) was a side effect of podcasting, at least that’s what I tell myself, but I believe it’s a sign of going insane.

I’ve discovered it helps to have a bluetooth headset in at least one ear at all times. That way I can tell people that I’m on the phone with someone and I’m not batshit insane.

But maybe I am. Because from the look of the world — everyone is. There is something wrong with all of us. A in-law typically uses the phrase “lost and dying world” (he’s a preacher) and I never liked that description, but the more I look around I’m starting to agree. As a human species we are lost. So much has happened over history and so much changes quickly that people having trouble adjusting or accepting or even remotely understanding.

People are angry. They are angry because they don’t know how to react to situations. Angry is easy. Yoda once said, “Anger leads to hate and hate leads to the dark side.” He was right. Want proof? When the light turns green, don’t go. Just stay for a count of 5 seconds and see what happens. Actually don’t do this. In some states the person behind you may shoot you. But the concept is true. Driving is one of the things that make people so angry. I bet that if the Dali Lama himself was driving down an interstate he would be all, “Peace be with you, please merge ahead of me. It is ok that you didn’t use your turn signal to change lanes. BENCH WILL YOUR FORKING CAR OUT OF THE FAST LANE! CAN’T YOU SEE ALL THE CARS BEHIND YOU?”

I see people tweet and hear people say, “Fork Trump” all the time — and that does nothing to help the situation. It’s just a release of anger. It’s doesn’t help us solve anything. Recently the White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders was told to leave a restaurant because she worked for Trump. She respectfully left. Handle very well. The restaurant has the rights to do that. But what did that help? People on twitter were joking that she wouldn’t get “clean” food (a reference to Fight Club) because she works for Trump. That’s horrible. That is people not helping at all. Its just anger. Anger is what got Trump elected and anger is what will get him reelected. Stop being a dick. Stop being angry. Instead point out exactly what the issue is. The big one, Trump doesn’t listen, Trump doesn’t tell the truth, basically, Trump is a standard politician. Honestly, the bigger problem is this whole DEM vs REPUB thing going on. Each side blames the other and neither side actually wants to help any of the American (or non-American) people. It’s just hate vs hate. Exactly what George Washington warned us about in his famous farewell address.

So, why all the hate? What’s wrong with people? People haven’t learned how to be people. We are taught key essentials like reading, writing, math, and sciences, but we are not taught how to be human. Being human is difficult. We have all of these emotions, we all have an internal struggle of existence, we all are depressed at one time or another. But no one teaches us how to deal with it. We need to learn patience, tolerance, common courtesy, gender equality, how to calm the mind, how to make decisions, how do deal with our feelings, that men have feelings and that’s ok, and evidently we have to teach men NOT to rape or assault women. People look at therapy as something bad when it’s the one thing EVERYONE needs. Being human didn’t include a manual. We need help because it’s difficult to face the conflict inside of each and everyone of us.

This face — my face — is a complete lie. And yours is too.

This is because fear, pain, anxiety, depression, suicidal desires — are invisible. These are things you cannot always see even when they are right in front of you. I'm living proof. On the outside all you see is that I'm calm, cool, and happy.  You see me participate in discussions, play games, hang out with friends. From the outside everything is fine and that's all anyone ever has to know. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm fine.

But on the inside I’m screaming, crying, yelling, running away … dying. I'm not saying this to garner any sympathy, I don't care what you think of me. I do care that you understand that depression, sadness, darkness, suicidal thoughts are not outliers of our society. They are common. Very common. They are every where. They are every one. And they are invisible.

When someone kills themselves, it is not a selfish act. It is not them giving up. It is not a cowards way out. Those are horrible things to say. Inside of us is an internal struggle that we are not equipped to deal with, and no one is walking around with a quick answer or solution, so we go off the deep and and go to extremes because we can't face what's inside. We are afraid of what the world sees when it looks at us. We are afraid of the conflict within ourselves. 

Depression lies.

Depression is not temporary.

Depression kills — it uses your own body as the tool.

You cannot escape yourself.

The smile on our faces is NOT.

And while this may be a lost world (without dinosaurs), I refuse to believe it is a dying world. There is hope and help all over the place. Not everyone is bitter angry, not everyone is hateful. There is love in this world. Lots of love. There are people who understand, there are people to talk to, there are others who want to help. Some religions may be helpful, the ones that don’t teach hate, the ones who teach love above all else. Medication can help some. Alcohol can help some (but that can lead to another set of problems). If it’s legal in your area, weed has been proven to help considerably. Honestly this means in the future I will need to move somewhere where it is legal, that’s the hope I cling on to.

If you are having suicidal thoughts and need to talk to someone and you don't want to talk with any friends or family, then please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 24 hours a day.  

If you or someone you know is LGBTQ and are in crisis, feeling suicidal, or in need of a safe and judgment-free place to talk, call the TrevorLifeline at 1-866-488-7386. 24/7

Talk to friends. Talk to family. Talk to someone. Talk to people that aren’t even there, like I do!


And then god said, “Alexa, let there be light!” And Alexa said, “Several devices share that name. Which one would you like?” #firstfacepalm
— The Distracted Philosopher

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